Friday musings

Alot has happened since my post last month.  My Gran has a massive stroke 3 days later and has been in hospitals for weeks.  She recently moved to a frail care facility not far so we are able to visit her after work.  It has been heartbreaking seeing my Gran like this and I don’t think I’ve cried so much in years.  It has spilled onto other areas so now I get tearful for soapies and insurance adverts with zero warning.  We are trying to be positive but it is really difficult.

According to the Doctors, Ouma will never walk again or regain the use of her left leg and arm.  It is so sad how quickly she went from being a petite elderly lady who was a bit unsteady on her feet at times, to a frail and vulnerable bedridden woman who looks so incredibly sad.  My Gran looks old for the first time in her life.  It has been a really trying time and you’d think I have enough to deal with but no, my mother has decided that now is the perfect time to freeze me out and ignore me as much as possible (while telling my Dad’s family how she doesn’t hear from me and doesn’t know what she has done wrong).  I wish I was joking.

When visiting my Gran in the first hospital I would send Whatsapp’s to my mother giving updates as each visit was different (sometimes Ouma was awake and okay and sometimes fast asleep and nothing could wake her).  The last few got ignored – I could see they were read but it was too much to expect a response.  I got snapped at, one morning at the hospital for saying that a huge fear of mine is that Ouma will try tell us something and we won’t understand and it will be the last thing she tells us.  We are battling to understand what she is trying to say.  It is a valid worry.

And then the silent treatment started.  So when an aunt had a health scare I was last to know.  My sister was maybe going to have an eye op which I heard through my aunts on my Dad’s side. My mother sent an e-mail last Friday with lots of hearts and ‘yippee it is Friday’ on it.  With a message saying she had no idea what was happening but missed our chats (what chats she is referring to remains a mystery, I’m lucky to get an e-mail with 5 sentences once a week from her).  I replied with what had happened the past 4 weeks.  I wasn’t rude, just stated the obvious in facts and ended off with Love me xxxxx  And I’ve heard nothing further because my mother only has a few settings:  Martyr/super defensive/angry.

I had to hear via a sms last night that my sister had an eye op (on both eyes).  I was on my way to dinner with a friend – if I’d known I’d have gone to visit her.  I don’t even know if she is still in hospital or at home with my parents?!?

Despite going over these past 5 weeks in my head I cannot figure out what I’ve done wrong.  I visited every chance I got.  Leaving for lunch early so that I could fit in a visit during my work day.  I offered to buy my Gran’s toiletries as this isn’t included in her care at the new home.  I’ve run around finding out things about adult diapers and done research on things we can give my gran to keep her occupied when she is awake.

I have never felt so sad and my mother is hellbent on adding to my grief.

Despite feeling like this, I’m determined to count my blessings and this week can list the following:

  • A wonderful husband who has been supportive throughout this sad time with my Gran
  • My Gran getting into a good frail care with kind staff
  • My sister’s eye op going well – no further details to go on but at least the Doctor is happy
  • Hubby getting wonderful news at work this week – so proud of him – his years of hard work are being noticed and rewarded
  • A busy but good week with dinner with hubby’s parents, visiting my Gran, fitting in gym and catching up with a friend yesterday evening
  • Weekend is a few hours away and we have nothing planned.  Just going to take it easy and have some us time.
  • Finishing a lovely book this week and doing a book review I feel did it justice
  • Getting a small writing project this week at work.  And being told it was ‘lovely’

Here is to a good Friday.

xx

 

 

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